A Promise

I dont know how He does it, but God uses Foo Fighters to speak to me, I must be def…or really open to Gods voice in all kinds of ways.

The song is called “Come Back” and when it played the first time I almost had to pull my car over to prevent the tears from coming out. I will post the lyrics…just know that this song is about God and His promise that He made to me, that I dont believe all the time.

Moving, again
*Comfort of the chase
Now and again
This my saving grace
I move so much, trying to find out where He is…
I chase after what i think will be Him, because I know it to be comfortable.

Dead on the inside I’ve got nothing to prove
Keep me alive and give me something to lose
Goodbye, this time
Leaving you
I’ve been gone so long, so, gone so long
But I will come back
I will come back x7
For you)

To be honest, i must say that not all these lyrics hit me right now…

Changes, changing
Back and forth again
Trading faces
Strangers in the end
For You

I will come back (x8)
For you
I will come back (x5)

These are the Brain busters. God always seems to be Yelling at me in certain songs, and at certain point in my life. I remember in the Bible when Jesus is about to ascend into heaven and he says to his disciples that He will come back. Now to them, and to every christian that should be a Hopeful threat, a threat to the enemy who knows that his time is drawing near. But it is a Promise that every Christian knows to be true, and is hoping for to be fulfilled. And i think about the lyrics to this song. that he will come back, he made a promise, a promise he will fulfill, just like the promises he made me so long ago, even in his word, or the promises he has spoken to my heart. All of those things that He said will come true, He had to illustrate to me through this song that Just like he said he would come back for me, that He will deliver on His promises to me. And He has probably been trying to say it for so long that he got a little tired of playing the “nice” card, and Yelled it at me, and sometimes thats the best way, for God at least to get my attention. “I Will COME BACK!!!”

New UnderØath

So i ran into the new UnderØath song from the new album “Lost in the Sound of Separation” and i am completely obsessed.

1. the Lyrics as always blow my mind!

2. Because at the end of the song it has some serious, what i would call, Chug Chug!
I am going to proceed in breaking down this song for you, and how it at least applies in where i stand with my relationship with people/God/myself.

I’ve been crawling around in the dark for a while.
Sprawled out across the floor.
Not collecting dust anymore.
Define me a parasite. Define my host.
I feel like i have been crawling through life in the “muck” is the best way to describe it. Just completely engulfed by all the junk that i either consume or presume. My presumptions of others have hurt my friends, as well as myself, and my consumption whether it be from internet activities or television even girls…they just plague my mind more than they should.

Trapped beneath the floor.
I slowly waste away.
Now I pull my frail body into the chair.
And look me in the face.
Im wasting away in my vein efforts to achieve some minor solitary goal. And as i recuperate from all of my misdemeanors God will be there staring me in the face.

Oh, disappointments, so disappointing.
This may be my last one.
It’s gonna be good and hard.
It might be a touch out of key.
I tell myself things like, this is it, this is it, one last time and im done forever, but i said that 3 times ago and im still falling into the same junk as always. and all the while i can 1. feel God stare at me while im doin this 2. know that in some sick effort to come back to him i will only fall again.

When this thing breaks. I will be you, you will be me.
I’m afraid that this is really happening.
Let’s hope this is short lived and riddled with dizzy
The only comfort i can console myself with is that of this first line, that when i am fully broken, there will be none of me left, and i will be Him (christ), not in the physical sense, but in the John 3:30 way that there will be less of me and more of him. i can only hope that my tests, or trials, or whatever these sins are can be sort lived and completely numbed by the end of this experience.

Oh, God the noise! Is ringing in my ear.
It’s so unclear. I hear them talking.
But can’t make out the words.
The loudness of my sin screams in my ear, but you voice is also there, like that Tide commercial, im trying to hear your words, but all i can hear is the stain on my shirt.

Speak up. Speak clear.
Similar to the “Casting Such a Thin Shadow” song, i cannot seem to hear you Father God. I need you to be louder, but how do you get any louder than you are, i need to tune my ears to your frequency.

God, where have I been.
I’m terrible company. With zero apologies.
I have lost myself to God, to myself, and even to my friends, and i seem to be a terrible human in all three aspects, and i have no sympathy for myself or for what i have done, only because i know i am bound to do it again.

While I sink to the bottom.
I’ll sing out as it fills with water.
I hope I’ve done enough.
All i can ask is at the end of this existence to have something to show for it, that i made progress or furtherment in my relationship, both with Jesus, and with my fellow man, including myself.
(as a side note UnderØath has a history of using water as a sign of destruction, they always seem to be drowning, or suffocating from the pressure of the water.)

I’m worn out.
I’m worn thin.
I will never break through.
Let me out.
something that i fear i will never learn is that when i call on the Lord He will deliver me, from even myself. When i “tap out” so to speak He will deliver me, I feel as though some times i have been worn out by my mistakes, that i will never “break through” and when i admit my dependace upon Him, He will lift me up! And when i scream “LET ME OUT” surely He must hear my plea and release me.

confused1

So i have been having a hard time recently, i watch all my friends make stupid choices, and i cant help; but think 2 things. 1 is that why would they do that, dont they know its not going to work, that they arent going to succeed in this effort. 2 is that God must be sitting up there in heaven thinking the same about me.

Im not the brightest bulb in the bunch and i will admit it, but i feel like How can God Love me when all I do is seek to please myself, and I judge other people like i dont do something just as stupid. All sin is the same, doesnt matter how we miss the mark, the fact that we missed it is all that mattered.

God must truly LOVE us to put up with the crap that we put Him through. He has supior patience to put up with the stuff i alone do, but to Him and to myself, He there shouting from the sidelines, DONT DO IT Zach!!! It WONT FULFILL YOU!!! but do i listen? nope…i just keep going…so he repremands me and i try again.

So wo ami to judge someone…well thats simple, im FALLEN, and i sin. is that an excuse, NO! but i must say at the same time that God knows that i need to stop, and i know i need to stop, and as long as i am trying to improve myself everyday what else can i do. Im not perfect, and i wish i were, but then what would be the fun in that, God probably made us knowing we would screw up, just so he could be there to brace us when we fall. Its what He Loves to do. OR at leastthats what i would thuink he Loves to do.

My BF from Global Expeditions

this is him and me praying at seperate times before we had even really met eachother. the third one is him and me at the end of the trip. we just bonded. it was totally a God thing. I love him and miss him already, but he isnt dead, and i know i can always talk to him. i just need to pursue whatever it is that i have with these people. some i dont even have numbers to, some i do. but whatever happens i know that God really used these people to help me see his love in a new light. As far as A.J. and me go, we talked about women, and testimonies, and music, everything that God was trying to teach us, and everything that we had learned. Hopes we had, things that i would never have talked about with someone i had normally met and know for only 2 weeks or less. as far as all the rest go, it was just a bunch of fun to be around all these people. Jordan, Dan, Sam, Parker, Ryan, G.T. and a bunch of other peeps i dont even have pics of…

Something wierd bout me…

I seem to attach myself to media, the stuff that sticks out to me. Like spiritually, I have this profound connection with Tom Hanks, and time I watch a movie of his i seem to be struck with some sort of self revelation. And Music, i can pic out certain things in even secular music that will seem to be some sort of anchor of what or how i am spiritually at the moment.

Which is whis I seemed to attach myself to certain people from Ethiopia, where i come from no one seems to like UnderOath, or care enough to talk about them with me. Sure i have my music conosures such as Evan, but not my music Reflectors like me. When i met A.J. the first question i always seem to ask is “what do you listen to?” when he first responded with UO i almost fell backwards! No one i know listens to them! So from there it was just kinda majic…in a corny sense of the word…sure i love my friends at home, but sometimes you just feel alone in some things… another groud breaking discovery was that of a girl who had seen, and knew Anchorman, dont ask me why, but i have a spiritual connection to that movie, it is how me and Trav connected and me and Smitty, so when i found a Christian Girl that is beautiful and knows Anchorman i fell. HARD! How i got from where i was to where i am can only be thanks to God and the things that He has given to me through some of the things that i have according to that movie. (such as a quote for everyday life…example…yesturday i was working at AE a woman comes in and asks if we sell tube tops, i pause and think to remember if we do, and she then points to her chest and says “like this” she was wearing one, and i had oobserved this fact beforehand and i know what a tube top was, so the only thing that i had in my mind at that second was the line from anchorman when Ron is talking to Sheri the cheerleader who broke her pelvis, he said, “You just pointed to your boobies” i couldnt help but laugh, im sure she thought i was immature for laughing, but all i could think about was the tone in which ron said it. dont think me a perv, i just know that movie has an everyday life quote.) sorry  for that tangent. so as i said that those things connect to me, that part of who i am, it all started with tommy boy…and i have never gone back, God knows this about me so i think he limits my media input, i dont have a large assortment of music, but what i do have he uses, i dont have very many movies that i enjoy watching but what i do have he uses. and even in ethiopia. where sure i thought he would break me to some unbearable point, he actually seemed to find me and be a friend i have never know, one who understands what i like, and wants to know about what i like.

Miracle: Foo Fighters

Crazy but I’m relieved this time
I have been dealing with going on that Ethiopia trip, and to this point i am relieved that i went on it! i was actually happy to go!!!

Begging for sweet relief of blessing in disguise
i have been searching for so long, i thought for sure it was going to be hell, but it wasnt, it was a blessing in disguise!

Dying behind these tired eyes
I’ve been loosing sleep
i may have lost a lot more than sleep on this trip, but i gained a whole lot more from Jesus and from pushing myself out of whatever i thought was “best” for me.

Please come to me
Tonight

Hands on a miracle
I got my hands on a miracle
I truely experienced Jesus, and his power in a way i never have before. i held in my hands everything that he had for me for once, and it was all too much to handle.

Leave it or not, hands on a miracle
And there ain’t no way
Let you take it away
I was almost determined to let it go, to just quit…and now there is nothing that can every seperate me from what i got from this trip, or from God. and the devil may try to take it away, but i aint gonna let him take it away!

Everything that we survived
I got rocks throw at me, because i was a christian, i survived for sure, but it definitely changed my perspective on religious persecution.

It’s gonna be alright
Just lucky we’re alive
Im more alive now. i have been given a new heart, a new spirit about me. something that i cannot explain, something that you can only experience.

Got no vision I’ve been blind
Searching every way you’re right here in my sights
I needed vision, something to keep me driven, something to drive my heart for Jesus…i hadn’t realized it was in front of me the whole time. I have a glimpse of what God needs me to do, at least for now…do i know how to get there? nope! but that’s part of the adventure with Jesus!
I chose to live for the first time, and it felt good. I chose to see and believe that i could do something beyond myself. All i need now is the faith to see it happen. And the patience to see it through.

Away

Revelations in the Storm

Im back. Who knew i could make it through. I didnt want to go, then i stayed and i didnt want to leave. I connected with people, not ethiopians, but Christians. We teamed up with a group called global expeditions, and i Loved them. From day one i felt inadiquite as a Christian. They all loved to share there faith with people they didnt know or could even understand, i would rather have, NOT.

But as time progressed i came to meet some really awesome people, Like A.J., Dan, Parker, Sam, Ally, and Kate. all these people were so real, so fun, easy to talk to, even easier to relate to, and all of them thought that i was legit, i dont know how, i was pretty much just a weirdo goof ball most of the time.

We all experienced God in some way on this trip, i believe God shown himself to me in those people, i feel like dan(Steve Carell) from “Dan in real life”, he says to his daughter that you cannot fall in love, and know, in 3 days, well i was there for 2 weeks and i fell in love, with A.J., Dan, Parker, Sam, and Kate. These people, they just showed me a side of christ i had never seen before, or even knew. They put up with me, they laughed at my stoopid jokes, and even hungout with me, approached me, most of my friends in CO, are always making me come to them, but they came to my room and asked if i wanted to hang out, they met me where i was, i think i thought Jesus was the way my friends were in CO, that he always made me come to him, but maybe he is willing every once in a while to meet me in my “room” and spend time with me.

There is too much info for one post, i have pics of most of these people, so be expecting to see the faces of love, and i will probably post a while on Ethiopia.

~PEACE~

snob’s

OK so i had floor set at AE(can i just say i love floor set at AE, its soo fun! frickin!) so any way i was on break and we were telling jokes…the really lame ones about muffins in oven and blonde’s…i ended up looking like a total d-bag…i was telling everyone what they did wrong and how to improve their delivery…i looked like a total snob. it sucked!and then i thought to myself, “i do that with everything.” with music and with tv and movies…video games and even my life. i thought about how much my opinion at that moment really meant to these people, and i realized it didn’t…i just came off as a jerk who knew too much(story of my life!).

then i thought to myself i hate it when people !coumarkhoshgh! do that to me they force there “right forms of media or lifestyles” on me. i end up resenting them for whatever reason, and they lose my respect, so i had t think that i lost some of those peoples respect…hopefully i can gain it back…but for now….

Pray for me…the Lord calls and i will answer…Ethiopia here i come!!!!!!!!

stomach-ache

i have a wicked bad stomach ache right now…my head is spinning and i feel like poo…im super stressed about this next year of internship…i know above all i will need God’s help, and mercy, and up unto this point with what i will need this mercy on; i have not been shown…at least i feel that way…

Small Groups is what that pertains to…i feel like a terrible leader with no vision and no hope to see anything happen…spiritually i mean. i seem to have forgotten that God entrusted me with this seemingly “small” task, i have managed too pretty much crap on it! God wanted to use me and i just went on auto pilot, letting myself do what i “knew” instead of believing that God could do something with it!

Who votes for a new e-79 sg leader…I do…but (somehow) i know that isn’t going to happen. on top of this i need to be focused on Ethiopia! i have a huge tenancy to get too future minded and then everything goes awry!

i talked to the Lord about it last night…he was all like, “you know i want you focused on the now”, and i was like “u-huh.” and he basically told me to calm down…! HOW!!! please Jesus…help me trust you hand at work!

to my blogs that i love the most…

The 3 who always show me love on my blog…YOU GUYS and GIRL ROCK… i thought for sure no comments for a month as punishment… haha…what a wierdo i am… To my blog momma Judi Free I love your Exortation….thanks for the constant LOVE it blows my mind! To my blog father Hosh thanks for the ideas…my mind is creative but lack expression… p.s. dont be afraid…i just have bad weeks/months and take it out on people i care about…and to my momma’s husband Mark i say this, “i was rash and insecure…i need advice…sometimes my own head beats me down and when i get beat down i find that more help hurts me, its a weird thought i know but i LOVE you regardless…and i need your pitty laughs…cause lets be honest for you to bag AWESOMEness like Judi requires both the LORDs will and way awesomeness which you are!!! And i Hope to be…