OK so i had floor set at AE(can i just say i love floor set at AE, its soo fun! frickin!) so any way i was on break and we were telling jokes…the really lame ones about muffins in oven and blonde’s…i ended up looking like a total d-bag…i was telling everyone what they did wrong and how to improve their delivery…i looked like a total snob. it sucked!and then i thought to myself, “i do that with everything.” with music and with tv and movies…video games and even my life. i thought about how much my opinion at that moment really meant to these people, and i realized it didn’t…i just came off as a jerk who knew too much(story of my life!).
then i thought to myself i hate it when people !coumarkhoshgh! do that to me they force there “right forms of media or lifestyles” on me. i end up resenting them for whatever reason, and they lose my respect, so i had t think that i lost some of those peoples respect…hopefully i can gain it back…but for now….
Pray for me…the Lord calls and i will answer…Ethiopia here i come!!!!!!!!
i have a wicked bad stomach ache right now…my head is spinning and i feel like poo…im super stressed about this next year of internship…i know above all i will need God’s help, and mercy, and up unto this point with what i will need this mercy on; i have not been shown…at least i feel that way…
Small Groups is what that pertains to…i feel like a terrible leader with no vision and no hope to see anything happen…spiritually i mean. i seem to have forgotten that God entrusted me with this seemingly “small” task, i have managed too pretty much crap on it! God wanted to use me and i just went on auto pilot, letting myself do what i “knew” instead of believing that God could do something with it!
Who votes for a new e-79 sg leader…I do…but (somehow) i know that isn’t going to happen. on top of this i need to be focused on Ethiopia! i have a huge tenancy to get too future minded and then everything goes awry!
i talked to the Lord about it last night…he was all like, “you know i want you focused on the now”, and i was like “u-huh.” and he basically told me to calm down…! HOW!!! please Jesus…help me trust you hand at work!
The 3 who always show me love on my blog…YOU GUYS and GIRL ROCK… i thought for sure no comments for a month as punishment… haha…what a wierdo i am… To my blog momma Judi Free I love your Exortation….thanks for the constant LOVE it blows my mind! To my blog father Hosh thanks for the ideas…my mind is creative but lack expression… p.s. dont be afraid…i just have bad weeks/months and take it out on people i care about…and to my momma’s husband Mark i say this, “i was rash and insecure…i need advice…sometimes my own head beats me down and when i get beat down i find that more help hurts me, its a weird thought i know but i LOVE you regardless…and i need your pitty laughs…cause lets be honest for you to bag AWESOMEness like Judi requires both the LORDs will and way awesomeness which you are!!! And i Hope to be…
So as far as Ethiopia is concerned i am not super stoked like everybody thinks i am or says i should be, but im getting better with it…im not Sarah Bowling about it, but im getting to see some larger picture develop from my tiny insignificant mind.
Another thing is my last blog. #1 i understand that what Jesus did is a free gift and i dont have to earn anything from that, i was merely saying that, JJesus did something spectacular by saving me with his grace and love, it is my job now to make sure that that sacrifice does not go un-heeded, un-wanted, and un-heard.
#2 is that i dont need your advice…I am already to advising of myself and i am too wise, so to add more ontop of my already critical nature of myself it going to, in the end, kill me.
thanks for the comments and whatever….but if you know me…which you shouldnt…cause its a blog…then you would know that if it doesnt build me up then its gonna tear me down…theres no neutral ground with this guy…SORRY!
My life over the past couple of weeks has not been up to par of what I would want it to be. I have spent the past couple of nights either taking long walks, or watching movies. And it seems to me that I am going through a serious spiritual war right now. I have watched anything from Star Wars, to Saving Private Ryan, with various war movies like Full Metal Jacket and Apocalypse Now interspersed in between, to understand my spiritual warfare state better. I went on late night walks around my neighborhood to collect myself and have a little God time. I found myself singing along to my Zune and freaking out over stupid things. I found some spiritual nuggets that seemed redundant and un-useful. But as I sat there watching Saving Private Ryan. Captain Mills (I must pause and say that Tom Hanks is my favorite actor of all time!) was dying on the bridge shooting a Colt .45 at a tank. I don’t remember much of the movie from my previous watching’s, but I clearly don’t remember that part, he’s shooting a Tank!!! With a hand gun!!! And out of no where, it explodes! Then planes flew over head and you saw that it wasn’t him that killed this tank, but an airplane. That’s not the part that hit me though, he died on that bridge there, after a long journey, and many squad members that died to save one man(6 to be exact) 6 men for 1 man to go “home”. I had to think about the sacrifice Jesus made for me at that moment he was 1 for 1 not 6 for 1, “1 mans life is = to that of another mans?” I thought to myself. Jesus was = to every human life on this planet that ever has and will ever be on this planet! And right as I realized all of this Captain Mills leans over to Private Ryan and slowly utters his last words, “James, Earn this.” It hurt to hear those words. 6 men died to save 1. That’s a lot to earn if you multiply Jesus, who = 1 man, who saved the entire world, by 6 men. Now I know I can be a very literal person, so I wont even go into the impossibilities of this equation. But it hit me, just like those words from Prince Caspian hit me, “Maybe its not His job to prove Himself to us, maybe its ours to prove it to Him.” I never had to earn Jesus’ love, or mercy or grace, I just had to pray. But now I feel as though I have taken those things cheaply in my heart, and I must seek him out to “Earn this”. This life He has given me, this New Life, it wasn’t free, and it came at a price too high for me, now it’s my duty to acknowledge that Jesus sacrifice was not in vain, that He died so I might live, and live abundantly!
I feel as thought I am both Captain Mills and Private Ryan, in the sense that I have a great duty to uphold for a sacrifice given, but also a great sacrifice to give for a duty to be upheld. If that makes sense?
one thing i do not know, is how to give up. sometimes it bothers me. I want to quit something, anything, and i cannot seem to do it. other things i can shut out completely. My mother told me the other day that, “until i broke my arm i was ‘fearless’.” what happened to that 5 yr old that had so much heart. that was Epic he turned into this sad excuse for a human. I may be a man, the only qualification by the way is a penis. not a fast car or how many bullets you can take in the chest, or how you take your coffee, but i am a sad excuse, of a human. God created me to Love, i cannot find it within me to do that. right now i hate you, yes you the reader, for judging me, cause i know that i judge you, for you looks and style and your lack of not liking me cause i have acne or a bad attitude. and i know that whatever i do to you you will do right back to me. i cannot stop hating, i want to quit, but i hate you. You. i dont know you i dont want to. cause in the end you will try to offer some advice to fix me, or save me, or help me blog better. i dont want it, i would rather hate you.
Word to the want to be wise, never pray for Knowledge and wisdom, you will end up bitter and alone. I did, i got my wish. I am freakin too smart. And alone. Read Ecclesiastes you will see what i mean.
If there were an ocean or sky for every hour of the day, that is a lot of new oceans and skies.
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
I fail all day long, what seems to be every minute of every hour of every day.
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
If your not 1st your last(Ricky Bobby’s father) and my failures seem to creep up on me and remind me that i am just that, a failure.
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
I seem to want to give up, drop out, and leave mt own life every dusk.
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
I learned some things i thought i would never have to learn today, i forgot things i should have remembered, and i dont think that any better or any worse is the way to describe the end of a day.
Still I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
God wont you help me!? I’m desperate! I don’t want to be this same old crap every day, i feel like yesterday is better than today when really today should be better than yesterday.
And I’m not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
I SUCK! Even more?
Still I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
Father take me up in your LOVE. show me your LOVE.
Twenty four reasons to admit that I’m wrong
I have every reason to be wrong, i know it, you know it, everyone seems to know it, i am a failure!
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
I make 1 then 2 then 4, soon they envelope me, all my justifications, whether attractive to the human appearance or not.
See I’m not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You’re raising the dead in me
But Father, i wont give up if you wont. Im not copping out of this one, not running away, cause my failures just teach me that you are raising the “new man” in me, that i am dead, and only you raise the dead.
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
I am New!
I am New!
I am the New MAN!
And You’re raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
And all of my friends are here to help, however much i hate how they try to fix me or push me, they are here as all of the voice of You, all the heart of You pushing me to the New MAN
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
All the songs i see as me, all the parts of me that make me, who i was and am and who im going to be.
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
No more am i going to be split and broken, no more is Zach going to be 24 emotions for 24 reasons, and 24 hates for 24 friends. I want to live in Your love, Your love that centers me, the truth of your love.
I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You’re raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You’re raising the dead in me
Spirit, You know what to do. You know i am supposed to be made whole, that my failures are not who i am, but part of the process in who i am going to be. So raise me back to life, cause 24 hours of failure is enough to kill me. Make me the NEW MAN!!!
I want to see miracles, see the world change
I want You to use me Father, to change the world, to see something spectacular.
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
If Jacob wrestled the angel for a name, a new name, by which Your promise would be fulfilled i am going to wrestle you till i am parylized, i will not settle for anything less than what You have for me, and i will have to get out of my own way to see it happen. I fight you for more than right and wrong, and more than to do what is right! I want all of You, and all that that entails.
I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You’re raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I’m not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.
Im not giving up, i will “Never Give Up”
No matter how much of a failure i am.
Some part of me hurts too much…i dunno if its my heart or my loins…im attracted to this girl, and for the past few days i have been “pursuing” her, in the loosest form of the word, and to no avial, she likes another boy, i know, she told me! FRICKIN!!! I have talked to her BF about her, and found out whatever might help me, and much to my dismay, i found that i had become, THAT GUY. the guy who uses the friend to get to the girl, BOO those Guys!!! i feel they are the most UN-legit of people…dont ask why…
so i hung out with her BF last night and by the end of the night i was totaly shut up. i dont know how else to describe it, i couldnt talk, i couldnt find anything to say, it was like Jesus shut my mouth. All i wanted to do was cry, i want this girl physically, when originally i felt like i wanted her spiritually, but the more i talked to her and her friends the more i realized, she wasnt anything to admire spiritually, she was just a love struck girl, who listened to God and got away better off then she even knows. So there i was frustrated as i rode home in this girls BF car. Completely dumb-founded cause i was stoopid(spelled wrong on purpose) enough to think that i could have such a beauty and be such a beast.
I thought my motives pure I came to find them wrought with a foul odious misconduct.
Let me preface this with something. I was originally going to blog about Andrew Schwab. I have been reading a lot of his stuff lately and it just seemed like a good blog to me. But then I thought, “no one cares, no one cares about my thoughts about Andrew Schwab, if I had my best blog day ever with 1000000 hits I’m pretty sure it would be about something a little more epic than am idea I had about one of his poems or mantras or whatever they are.” Then I thought to myself, “what if the person I marry doesnt read my blog, what if she doesnt care about any of the useless crap I say on my blog. I thought to myself, do Mark and Judi read each others blogs? Do they Love each other?” Right now im feeling a little dejected, i must be honest, i have a little less than 2000 views, and no one comments on my blog, no one seems to care, care about My song diagrams and frickin thoughts about whatever and nothing. Then the word greed came to my mind, i dunno if im being greedy, or if something else is on my mind. maybe i must accept the fact that im not a blogger and move on…i find that though Hosh is my blog father Judi, whom i have deemed Blog Mother, seems to write the most inspiring things, i read hers the most, and most frequently…she has up to 17 comments on a single post that is 5 lines long…does she put more heart or something? i just dont get it??? I feel like this sounds like a pitty party, and to some extent it is, cause its just seems ridiculous!!! I guess i just overthink, maybe bloggers have to be those funny exterior people, and im one of those funny interior people.
I must warn you this does get time consuming give yourself 5-10 minutes. Also it gets wordy i will provide links for words that i did not know.
Grey: “You seem troubled, I want you to know I am here for you. I am a real friend, and you can tell me anything. I think it’s time you learned to open up. We’ve known each other for quite a while now.”
Black: ”Well, it’s a little difficult for me, you know, with all that I have been through.”
Grey: “Don’t be afraid. It’s only me.”
Black: “I don’t know…are you sure this is something I can trust you with? I mean, it takes great confidence to share your weaknesses and thoughts with someone.”
Grey: “I am so offended that you would even think that you can’t trust me! You can tell me anything! I really feel it’s important for you to share everything that is bottled up inside you. You have been through so much, and you should open it up to a true friend.”
Black: “This is very, very hard for me, but here it is:
Since before I could even remember I was force-fed by the light of kerosene candles on my bed. I spent most of my childhood inebriated under the influence of manipulation. My sleep was restless; it came only when the sounds of screaming ended in the rooms outside me. In the dark corridor that was may cover, I felt the monsters coming for me daily, as if waiting for my eyes to close completely. And when I turned to the around me to ask for shelter, I was handed a set of chains as answers. To cope with everything that was reality I turned wholeheartedly to the broken glass and shards that was my reflection. In that place I stayed; I waited as frightened as a newborn creature I could not quite grow away from. Panting, I crawled home day after day to the halls of torture. Only it wasn’t physical. You could not see it, taste it, or touch it. My punishment was a closed door, an empty chair that held me when no one else was home. In the corner my nose stayed until I felt the door was too heavy for me to open. Locked, without the combination, vilified by my surroundings, and pounded by the threat of outside discovery. I was forced inward. And inside I have stayed, praying for the recovery that would only come in the form of a key. Transitioning from the learned helplessness was just beyond my touch. I wait for the day, impatiently, as one whose baggage is just too much for one to carry. I have learned that the greatest form of anguish is found not within the confines of the physical realm, but inside the unbreakable walls of separation. To be forced away from humanity by humans is the most inhuman of all crimes. And I feel the evil deeds of wicked men for certain. But what I fear the most is the indifference of every single person I see passing me every single day.
By the way I just want to thank you for listening to me. This is the first time I have ever shared my true self with anyone.”
Grey: (SILENCE)
Black: “Don’t you have anything to say?”
Grey: “I have to go. My mom wants me home for dinner.”
Now ask yourself this question, “Have i ever thrown my most valuable self away to someone? Did they reveal more of them self to me, or go and run home to mommy to tell her about their weird friend?”
Never forget that when they all love you there is something awry. Every scapegoat was once a star, and every star will soon fall.Let us never forget, again, that we all love to celebrate the failures of our heroes. We live in a world of scape goats because we all want the same thing in our evil, evil hearts. Let us never forget that the same crowd that cheers at your triumphant entry,will be the ones to crucify you in the end. and in the search for a moral consider: the very thing that is worth dying for is the very thing they will hate you for.
~andrew schwab
